Alexandra.

I sit on the internet too long and I start to get really silly and I put ridiculous music on and I dance and sing and giggle waaaaaaay too much and then I giggle at things that really aren’t that funny and basically I spend the night annoying the hell out of myself and others.

I’ve had this diary for over 7 years. Its been through so much with me; its kept my secrets even when it shouldn’t have and its been my confidant through the harsh experiences of middle and high school. It has documented my first relationships to my most recent ones. My ridiculous teenage drama to the darkest time of my life. You can literally see me grow up on paper. I’m nearing the end now and I write much less often, but I know that when I close it for the last time, I’ll only be ending one chapter of my life and starting a new one.

This morning after my cup of coffee I decided to open up the giant box that contained the bed sheets I had ordered from Target only to find that they didn’t come with a top and bottom sheet. I quickly began panicking that I didn’t have a complete set and went to get my purse and keys to drive to the store in search of a top and bottom sheet. Once there I went straight to the home decorating section and found yellow sheets that I decided I would have to settle for. I started to walk toward the front of the store to buy them when I stopped to look at some other sheets; and then on to the curtains- I would need new curtains with my new sheets. After deciding I didn’t like any of them I (much more calmly) walked over the lamps, picture frames and mirrors. At the end of the aisle there were canvas pictures and metal worked items to put on the wall. I examined each of them wondering if any of them would work with the decor of my room. After a few minutes I realized that I was the only one in the area and that no one had come to ask if I needed help finding anything. I found this odd as I was walking around pretty aimlessly and only had one item in my hand. But I realized that this was better because it helped me look deep inside of my to find the decorations I really wanted. It helped my creativity come through while looking at the art on display. If a worker had come up to me asking if I needed anything I probably would’ve frantically picked something I “kind of” liked and walked to the register to buy it. But being inside my own head allowed me to calmly go over the things that I wanted rather than what I thought I needed. I looked down at the sheets that I had in my hands and put them down. I was only buying them because I was in a frenzy. They weren’t very good sheets. I didn’t have to buy them just because they were the only thing there. I walked out of the store without anything and went back to my car much less worried than I had when I’d gotten out of it.

I usually shop with other people. My friends or my mom- anyone so that I don’t have to do it by myself. I don’t like shopping by myself. I’m very indecisive and I always need a second opinion. For some reason though, when I was choosing the decorations that would go on my wall I felt comfortable inside my own head. I don’t know, it sounds really weird, but it really calmed me down because I was acting like such a freak trying to get in and out of the store. I felt serene looking at the picture of the Eiffel Tower and Audrey Hepburn; more serene than I’ve felt in a long time just by myself.

I really wish someone had told me it was only a duvet set.

I hate it when something you read or see doesn’t hit you right away because when it finally does it hits 10 times harder to make up for lost time.